Tracey Jackson » COLLEGE IS DIFFERENT

Jul 17, 2009

COLLEGE IS DIFFERENT

This week the reality of college has taken a more concrete shape. Big envelopes packed with forms and smaller envelopes filled with bills plus the entire year’s calendar have arrived. She only gets ten days for spring break. Seems paltry but that’s March I need to get through several other milestones before I start worrying about that.

This week I needed to deal with waiving the health insurance they automatically add to the bill. Oy and that bill…that’s another blog.

So, waive insurance – easy enough, type in student ID number on PDF form, fill in our insurance info and done – next stop Bed Bath And Beyond.

Only problem I copied her student ID number down wrong in my agenda, the correct number was at home. So I did what I’ve done with both my girls for the last fourteen years when I need help I call the school. Opps I mean college. I told the perky coed in the new student office my dilemma and requested the right student ID number. “Oh no we can’t give it out.” she said. “ Then I can’t fill out the form” I responded, “I need the number.” “But we can’t give the number to just anyone.” Se made it sound like I was the niece of the Son of Sam. “I’m not just anyone” trying to tone down my indignation. “I’m her mother. I’m paying the. I take care of her. I gave birth to her. If it weren’t for me she wouldn’t even have a student ID. She wouldn’t be a student. She wouldn’t exist.” Talk about an over inflated sense of self. Though I did give birth to her. But as my dad says – “gophers do it.”

“We expect the undergraduate to do it,” she said sounding like I was Elmo and she was the grown up de jour on Sesame street

Well unless you can upload and fill out the form directly from Facebook I don’t think that will happen by the deadline and furthermore she doesn’t have the information, she doesn’t know the carrier and if she misses the deadline I’m out eight hundred and fifty nine dollars.” Silence. She was not impressed. But I don’t give up easily and some girl my daughter’s age was not going to throw my daily TO DO list out of sync or cut me off at the mother pass.

“So how about you just give me the …..“ “Absolutely not” she said before I could finish. I was getting mad but life has taught me keep your eye on the prize and the prize was the damn number.

“Then how about this I this, I will read you what I have and you tell me the numbers that are wrong, that way you’re not really telling me, but we all get what we want.”

“You don’t seem to get it “she was now losing her patience.

“What’s the big deal? What do you think I’m going to do steal her identity? “Identity theft by a mother from a daughter that’s hysterical” She didn’t laugh. “You’re really making a big deal over nothing” I said “I’m not going to use the number to take an exam for her – I JUST WANT TO WAIVE THE HEALTH INSURANCE. It’s a mother’s right to waiver. In fact it’s a mother’s job”

“Not in college” she said “College is different” and she hung up the phone.

EPILOGUE

I waited until I got home, found the right ID number and waived the policy.

College may be different but I need a little time to adjust.

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Posted in Freshman Mom

Vanessa

And grades? Report cards? That’s a thing of the past, unless your precious child decides to share them with you!
tracey

I have a hard time with that. I understand if your kid got a full scholarship or is holding down two jobs and burdened with student loans to pay for it – but when we’re footing the very large bill – I think we deserve update. It’s like any other investment they let you know how it’s doing.
Vanessa

Well, on the bright side, they did say they would give us a ring if there were a medical emergency……….
Lynnda Blitzer

Welcome to the new reality! The idea that our children belong to us or are in any way interested in a relationship with us beyond providing necessary material comforts is a notion of the past. The only thing that they need us for at this point in their little” know it all lives”, is cash. To them we are the Bank of Mom and Dad and as for the rest of it….advice, guidance, counsel, companionship. Ha! And yes, we pay the college bills and buy the new wardrobe and decorate the dorm room, because it is what is expected of us. And it is what we want to do. It is important that we participate in their separation. Important for them and important for us.

I think that the colleges know this and are helping us to back off and transfer some of the burden of responsibility to our offspring. The fact is that at some point our children will have be the ones to fill out the forms and waivers and the sooner we hand over the baton to them, the better.

It is true that we do still have the power of the checkbook and the easy manipulation that cash flow can provide. But that will only last for a little while longer because at some point our children will be making their own money and providing themselves with their own lifestyles and we will be smart to stay out of it, if we can.

From watching and witnessing friends whose children have left for college in recent years I have observed a fairly consistent pattern. The summer before freshman year is heartbreaking, confusing and brutal both for the parents and for the kids. Anxiety is streaming like a current from parent to child, from parent to parent and between your child and their friends and your children’s friends parents and you. Everyone is walking on eggshells. No one wants the summer to end and yet this summer is the emptiest most painful and uncomfortable summer ever. Our children are behaving like a spoiled and inconsiderate clouts and because we don’t want to have this last summer together a war zone, we stifle all our natural parental instincts and condone behavior that in the past we would never have allowed. All this for the infrequent yet tender moments when the teen barrier breaks down and an arm slips around your shoulder or goodnight kiss also brings a warm and sincere hug and an ” I love you mom”. You see, they don’t need to be fed anymore, they don’t need to be rocked to sleep or to have the rights and wrongs of the world explained to them. They don’t need lectures or threats or ultimatums. If we haven’t done those jobs by now it really is too late. They need for us to let them go. Never to leave them, never to abandon them but to let them go. Always to be there, always to help if they ask, but with the understanding that it is not about us now…it is about them…and their lives and their choices and their accountability to themselves.

So yes, college is different. This is when we hand our children over to the world and trust that we have done our job as best we can. College will make crystal clear the facts of life as an adult and hopefully in four to six years and a couple of degrees later we will get our kids back again. But this time as adults with a better understanding of sacrifice and hard work and a bit of humility and, hopefully, appreciation.

This is hard. We have worked hard to raise our children. This has been the most demanding job that I have ever had and the acceptances letters from Matthew’s chosen colleges were my “pink slips” signaling the end of an important part of my job as a parent. This is hard, but also exciting. I get to start to see the result of my “start up” project. I get to watch my son claim his place in the world and I get to take a good look at where I have landed as a result of these last 18 years.

But that is another blog all together!

Thanks Trace for giving we parents a place to vent! I look forward to a daily update and reading the comments from other in my boat! xxooLynnda