I READ A BOOK

In preparation for Taylor’s impending departure I read a book called “LETTING GO  – A Parents Guide to Understanding the College Years.”

It’s the WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE EXPECTING for the freshman parent and is clearly very popular as it’s  the fifth edition. So my guess is most people didn’t throw it across the room the way I did when it challenged their perceptions of life.

It covers many topics.  It has a chapter on picking your classes and things I don’t really care about. I never cared about what classes she took in high school and I don’t really care about her classes in college. She will pick what makes her happy and if she doesn’t like them she will figure out how to muddle through or transfer out.

Though I’m sure I can come off as an in your face mom. I ‘m a very out of your face mom when it comes to certain things that many moms are all over their kids about.

What she studies and how she studies it is really her business and I’ve never helped with homework. I barely did my own; the idea of actually doing someone else’s is appalling to me.

But the biggest thrust of this book is how to back off and get hell out of their lives and fast.  According to this book, you should throw your kid in the deep end whether they can swim or not and drive away immediately and not matter what do not call them. They may call you but chances are they won’t, but don’t you dare touch that dial. It’s like THE RULES for parents. If you ever want to take your child to dinner again do not call them and ask how they are, if they are alive or if they need anything. Just go back to your life as if you never had them. Really???? I  honestly don’t know how you pull that one off.

There is a section on how not to respond when your child is troubled, lonely or homesick, and they reach out to you.  LETTING GO says let them figure it out., get help from the school  Do not lend a hand or advice. One could compare it to Ferber, remember the guy who said let your kid cry all night until he throws up on himself – don’t dare go in the room they will eventually sleep through the night.  Now they’ve proven that there were a few holes in Ferber’s theory. Ferber admitted to them himself. I knew that – I let my kids sleep either in or next to my bed until they were at least six months old.

But back to LETTING GO these two yentas from Washington basically take the position you are a pain in the ass to your kid – you’ve had them long enough, now it’s time to let them go forever. After sophomore year chances are they won’t even come home for Christmas and if they do they will be miserable and want to get back “home”  -  their dorm as quickly as possible since you and your house which used to be their house now leaves them uncomfortable, nervous and feeling unwanted. They actually said things like that.

You can only imagine how well this sat with me.

And then, then, this is good; they say you will never heave a “regular relationship” with your child again. HELLO –things aren’t tough enough this summer I have to hear that. And pardon me what the F does that even mean? What pray-tell is a ”normal relationship?” Look I’m no dummy, I know the quotidian details of life will change – it will not be “chicken again???”  “Has anyone seen my cell phone charger?”  “I have dinner at Lizzie’s for advisee I won’t be home til nine.”  “Let’s have a coffee on Saturday and talk about it.”

It will be “quick your train is about to leave, I’ll send your sweater when I find it.”  “ No, I don’t mind if you spend your one paltry week of spring break with your friends in Florida instead of the lovely week in London we have planned for the FAMILY.”  “ “Summer abroad – wow – I wish I had done that.”   “Your boyfriend’s family for Christmas, I thought he was Jewish?”

I know that changes they are a coming….. I don’t know what they will feel like; my guess is not great cause when I do the dry runs I break down in tears. But I will adjust and I do know there is a natural progression in life.  And will be things to look forward to – I just don’t know what they are yet.

I know Taylor will grow up and have a life very separate from me and that is normal but I also hope and pray she will always have a strong relationship with her family. Home will not make her anxious but it will be a safe house when she needs it.

But you will never have a normal relationship with your child again??????????

Life is a fluid thing and you don’t have to be Buddha to figure it out. Yet what is normal at eighteen is very different than what is normal at twenty-eight than was what was normal at eight days. I think their ridiculous statement just throws a whole lot of gasoline on an already sparky fire.

When you read LETTING GO it sounds like most kids are miserable to come home, anxious around their parents and annoyed to ever hear from them.

I don’t think it has to be this way. Sure they are happy to be on their own, sure they are happy to find a world and define themselves on their own terms, but most kids I know have not been abused and many find comfort and solace at home and continue to until their parents die.

But the authors seem to find people to that back up their theory that a kid can’t be a person if a parent is within a two hundred mile radius. It’s also one of those give all the power to the kids books. You pay the bills sit in the background and only speak when spoken to. When did this happen that parents were only supposed to speak when spoken to?

One girl they interview says this.

“I think it’s important that I do all the calling, because then I don’t resent them. If they call, and I’m grumpy, the whole conversation goes downhill from there.”

Who is this nitwit?  I hope her parents hang up the phone next time deems to calls. In fact I think they should stop paying for her cell phone. We will see how fast she calls then.

I don’t plan on calling ten times a day or every day. Well, you know what I don’t know what I will do as I am not there yet. We are not there yet and what is normal for some kids is abhorrent to others. I know a girl at Brown that talks to her mother several times a day, she is not wimpy mama’s girl either she is on her way in a difficult career and has an identity totally separate from her powerful parents, but she still finds comfort and happiness in their presence and is happy to stay connected. I know kids who disappear and don’t look back. I know of kids who call every day during periods and then little during others. But normal is as normal does and it changes from family to family and day to day. And I don’t want to be told I will never have a normal relationship with my child again by anyone.

I also know that to make it work as a parent you do have to shut up about certain things.  Something that is not easy for me, but I am learning to do. How many of you have heard  DO NOT TELL ME WHAT TO DO lately?  And one will have to respect their choices even if they are not the choices you might make.  And most importantly all kids, even grown kids, kids in their fifties and sixties, cause lets face it every one is somebody’s kid wants to be acknowledged and seen for who they are – not who they are perceived to be or groomed to be, but who they really are and loved as that person in their entirety. If a parent any of us can pull that off, then I think the connection will stay strong.

Letting go is important though I’m not entirely sure what it really means. The one thing I know I am letting go of is this book. I’m having a yard sale next week and it’s in the twenty-five cent pile.

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