YOUR QUESTIONS ANSWERED

 I want to thank Vanessa DeFries my friend from high school who when I was unable to follow through on this due to the sudden death of my friend Blake, came running in, grabbed the ball and made the play for me. Thank you to both Carol for her time and expertise and to Vanessa for getting the questions together. This is your blog, ladies. 

FOR STUDENTS:

Although college is primarily an academic endeavor, another and vital part of your education is about learning to be fine when you aren’t getting what you want when you want it and how you want it.  It’s about learning how to navigate an inconvenient world where parents aren’t around to smooth the hard edges for you.  It’s about being grown-up for real and being independent enough to solve most of your own problems.   Remember that neither the college experience nor anything that comes later in your life will be without bumps; rather it will always be more about knowing how to navigate over, around, through those inevitable bumps in life.

            You do know a lot about having friends, what to do and not to do.  You do know what is right and what isn’t.  One of your most important guidelines at college will be for you to think about what is right, not what is convenient and to measure in terms of what you need before what you want.

            It’s best, I think, to go to college with no expectations about your roommate.  Try using what I call the Discovery Oriented Attitude.  If you approach your roommate with the idea that you can discover how to handle problems, you’ll find that a lot of your anxiety may pass.  If you approach the roommate situation as one where you’ll discover what’s good and not so good about your roommate (and yourself in the process), you’ll be better able to handle the problems that will arise.  If you plan to arrive with negative expectations, you can say that you can only be pleasantly surprised, but you may also create a self-fulfilling prophesy.  Problems will happen. You will make mistakes, and you will do lots of things very well.  Your roommate will be unreasonable sometimes—and so will you be.   The real test for you will be about figuring out how to solve the problems or get the help to solve those problems.

You may get the roommate from hell.  I know my daughter did her first semester at college—actually there were three of them.  She survived (and maintained a 4.0 GPA, too).  She sought other friends, made certain boundaries inviolable, concentrated on her academic work, and absolutely insisted upon a change of rooms for the second semester.  She got the room change because she didn’t get histrionic, just insisted, remained logical, talked to the right people, explained her plight, and didn’t give up.   And I never even once spoke to anyone at all at her school on her behalf.  My other daughter had an absolutely terrible first meeting with her roommate, and now, lots of years later, they remain very dear friends.

            If your roommate uses drugs and you don’t, I suggest that you make it clear that you will NOT tolerate illegal behavior and will have to report to authorities if it’s happening.  If you are doing drugs, remember that drugs are illegal, and you can get busted (about 100 kids got busted at San Diego State a couple of years ago.  Lots of them ended up in jail.)  If you are doing drugs, you offer your roommate a way to blackmail you.  If you partyparty and get drunk, you are simply wasting time, effort, and money.  You don’t need to go to college if your goal is to learn how to partyparty or get drunk.  If you maintain a high level of integrity, it’s harder for those around you to trash your living situation—and your life.

            One of the absolute biggest and most common mistakes kids make in the first couple of weeks at college is finding the instant boyfriend/girlfriend.  Those relationships are generally too quick, too quick to be sexual, desperate, and are  more based on homesickness, and feeling like you are the only unattached one there than on the ‘instant connection’ thing.  Chill.  Wait.  Slow down.  You don’t need a romance in the first 12 seconds at college.

            I know it’s trite but do remember the ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you’ thing.  It’s useful in daily life.  ‘Judge not, lest ye be judged’ is another useful phrase.

 

“The Roommate” is big on everyone’s mind…..Keep in mind that your future roommate has all these same worries about you!

Q: How do you find/create your own space in a shared living environment? 

A: Firstly, remember that it IS a shared environment.  If you start out by discussing how to share the space, it will follow more easily that some of it is yours and some of it is your roommate’s.  You can start out by asking what your roommate thinks about closet space or noise or you can state what you think, remembering to say something like “Of course, I don’t know what you were thinking…”  Be open to a true negotiation.

Remember also that you are moving in to your room.  It’s for you to set things up as you would like them.  Be kind, respectful, and polite, and remind your mom and dad that they aren’t moving you in, they are helping you to move yourself in.

How do you ask?  Directly, clearly, non-apologetically, not entitled, not passive-aggressive, willing to share but not to be taken advantage of.  When you are moving in, make sure that YOU do all the talking to your roommate about shared living space.  If your mom tries to speak up, ask her very politely and respectfully to let you handle it—perhaps you’ll even want to mention that before you arrive.  If your roommate’s mom tries to take over, do be polite but do let her know that you and her daughter will work it out.  Don’t be bossed around by someone else’s mother (and remember, she’s probably mortified that her mother is taking over!).

 

Q: How do you deal with unfamiliar or objectionable behavior in a roommate?  Like gossiping, being argumentative, loud music? 

A: These are rather different issues.  In general, I would hope that headphones would solve the loud music problem. Gossiping is best stopped by not paying any attention to it.  Lots of kids will gossip because they can’t think of anything else to say.  Changing the subject can be a good remedy. Remember that you are at college primarily to get an education, so talking about classes, distribution requirements, professors, how to navigate the academic world is a good start.  If you start with the, “Oh, so you’re from Philly.  I knew a girl there who dated my best friend’s brother, and she said…” you’ve just demonstrated that you like to gossip.  Don’t try to start a friendship based on who knows whom because that usually does degenerate into gossip and sets the tone for the relationship.  

The argumentative thing is different.  The best way is not to argue back.  Don’t threaten. Set boundaries.  Tell you roommate that you just don’t want to argue.  As soon as you begin to argue with someone who thinks argument is a sport, you lose because you’ve just taken their bait.

If you are interested in lots of things, talk about those.  See what your roommate is interested in.  Don’t get into a competition  about who has more cool stuff.  It doesn’t matter.  Don’t get into a competition about who has more difficult courses or better grades.  You are both there to get an education and finish growing up.

 

Q: What about a really messy roommate or one with bad hygiene (the hygiene part came from a mom)? 

A: Bad hygiene probably has to go to the RA.  Really messy.  Again, that needs to be discussed, but if your roommate is used to someone always picking up for her/him, you’ll need to establish just where the mess is allowed, e.g., on the roommate’s own bed, not the common floor space.  You’ll need to set your boundaries, not threaten, not get petulant, but hold to your boundaries.

 

Q: How do you tell a roommate not to continually entertain boyfriend/girlfriend in room?

A: By saying that you are not okay having your room be a triple instead of a double.

Again, you stand up for yourself politely, respectfully, forcefully, and with integrity.  Speak clearly, don’t beat around the bush, don’t be nasty.  If you’ve asked two or three times and got nowhere, then it’s time to go to the RA.  However, remember that if you’ve been entertaining your boyfriend/girlfriend or been using drugs in the room, your roommate may choose to mention that to the RA.  The only way you can really get help from the RA is to be honest in your own life, have integrity, and live responsibly in the dorm.

 

Q: How do you handle a roommate that wants to borrow your things all the time?

A: You say no.  If you never start with the borrowing thing, it’s less likely to become a problem.  If your roommate borrows without asking, let her know that you aren’t okay with that, that you don’t lend and you don’t borrow and that you expect her to respect you.  Borrowing without permission is stealing.  Don’t mince words.  Don’t let your roommate take advantage of you.  If you don’t stop it, it will continue.  DON’T lend $$.  Ever.  It’s the quickest way to trouble.  If you insist on lending money, do it with no expectations of having it returned (and losing a friend in the bargain).

If you have asked a roommate not to do something that bothers you, and the behavior continues…..What do you do? It depends a lot  what “bother” means.  It might bother you that your roommate doesn’t close the door when she goes out to the bathroom.  It might also bother you that your roommate comes in at 3am every night and makes noise enough to wake the dead.  You’ll need to think about how bothersome any behavior is and act accordingly.  You should be able to negotiate annoying behavior with your roommate (and don’t ask if there is anything that you do that’s annoying because that immediately changes the subject). After you’ve asked nicely about three times (unless it’s something really upsetting to you or downright unsafe, then twice is the most times you’d ask), then you’ll need to draw some firm boundaries.  If your roommate creates a situation where you cannot do your schoolwork, then it is time to involve the RA or the Dean of Student Life.  Isn’t that a direct challenge? It’s probably more passive aggressive than a direct challenge.  Is that why it is so hard to ask someone not to do something….because you are afraid they won’t do what you ask, leaving you powerless?  It may have to do with the fear of becoming powerless in the relationship but only if you go into the discussion with the knowledge that you won’t stand up for yourself.  If you are being reasonable, then standing up for yourself is one of the difficult and great lessons of college.  You really only become powerless when you choose to.

 

Q: How should I handle stress?  Particularly juggling sports, activities and school work?

A:  Stress happens.  How have you handled stress before?  Did it work?  If it did, then you’ll know what to do; if it didn’t, then you’ll need to find ways of unstressing yourself.  Even better is living your life in ways that avoid stress.  One huge stressor will be not getting your work done.  So do you work.  All of it.  Don’t try to cut corners.  Don’t sleep through classes.  Study hard.  Don’t leave your papers until past the last minute. 

              If you make up your mind to have a reasonable social life on a 2-day weekend, you should find that you have more than enough time and energy for schoolwork, schoolwork, schoolwork, sports, and activities.  You’ll get into trouble if you fall into the idea that the school week is three days and the weekend is four days.  Too much drinking, drugging, partying will ADD to your stress because then you won’t have the energy, concentration, and focus for your academics.  That’s when you’ll begin to fall behind. That’s when the stress starts.  College is meant to be challenging and difficult but not impossible.  If you budget your time and energy wisely, you won’t create stress that never had to happen. 

Going to class regularly is one of the best ways to manage it all because going to class regularly (and just do a little math to see how much each class period is actually costing your parents) is the most time-efficient way of keeping up with your academic work—that’s why they have classes.  Don’t arrive at class tired or hungover because you won’t get much out of it.  You’ll manage it all if you remember that your priority is your schoolwork, that sports and activities are also important but that you will need to look at going to school as a fulltime (40-hours a week) job. 

 

Q: How do I deal with issues with professors and how they differ in their grading and tests, etc.  Is there someone I should talk to about this or should I be talking to the professor directly? 

A: In most instances you should talk to the professor and/or the teaching assistant.  Most professors will be very clear about their expectations in the syllabus that you’ll get the first day or class or find on the appropriate website.  Don’t worry too much about grading and tests.  If you attend class regularly, keep up with your work, go to the seminars or discussion groups, you’ll be learning.  Good grades are almost always the natural by-product of learning.  Professors tend to get annoyed at freshmen who want to know how to get a good grade  instead of wanting to learn.

 

FOR MOMS: 

Remember:  Your child is grown up now.  Micromothering is over. Trying to know where your child is at every moment is in the past, trying to be in touch with teacher is in the past.  Knowing what your child’s school work is…yeah, that’s in the past, too.  And it should be. 

Be careful of your language, e.g., using the pronoun ‘we’ when you really [should] mean he/she or making your child the object instead of the subject by saying things like ‘I’m moving her in”  instead of ‘she’s moving in’. 

Hurray!  This is the beginning of your child’s young adult life.   Hurray! 

 

Q: What is a healthy way for a college student to express anger?  Yelling and throwing things they may do at home, but not in a shared living environment…..How do they handle it?  What should we advise them to do?  When tensions are rising fast, what is a good way to deflect the anger that is on the verge of exploding?

A: While I do accept that people sometimes yell, I cannot agree that throwing things at home is an acceptable way to express anger for anyone older than three.  Throwing things or yelling very much in a college dorm could become quite troublesome and is probably not a good way to win friends. Imagine being your son’s roommate if he thinks that throwing things is an acceptable way to express anger.   

College students are considered young adults and should already know ways to deal with anger, sometimes including not expressing it.  Anger can be justified or not.  If it’s justifiable anger, then solving the problem will be more expedient than expressing anger.  If the anger isn’t justifiable, then figuring out why one is angry when there is no cause is more useful than expressing anger.  Anger is often pent up energy that can be expelled by going to the gym, using the punching bag, or finishing assignments.  Anger can also be dealt with by volunteering to help those who have more to be angry about in the world and less opportunity to create satisfying change. 

Drinking, drugging, sleeping, not going to class are not good (or even acceptable) ways of dealing with anger.   Doing any or all of the above will likely create stress in the end which will turn into anger…a dangerous circle.

The best advice you can give is to remind your child that you expect him/her to act like a young adult and that indulging anger generally doesn’t fit into that category.

If your child really has an anger problem, then seeking the help of a professional may be in order.

 

Q: What is the appropriate amount of contact from the parents? Calls, correspondence, visits? 

A: Most kids and parents speak almost everyday.  The problem with that is that there often isn’t too much to talk about, resulting in checklist calls. Don’t do the checklist calls.  Don’t make him report to you.  Don’t ask if she went to class, did her assignment, talked to her professor.  Instead ask what she’s reading in English and what she thinks of Jane Austen or can she explain chaos theory to you.  Have the confidence to talk substance, seek content. 

 

Q: What about first day orientation?

A: Remember that you don’t really need any orienting because you’ll be on your way soon enough.  Your child needs to find out where classes are held, etc.  You don’t.  Let your child have the excitement of this first day of the rest of her life.  Remember, micromothering is over.  You’ve done your job.  She knows everything you’ve taught her.  Now let her shine. When should we leave?  Really soon.

 

Q: What if you see a roommate taking advantage of your child, how do you handle that? 

A: You speak to your child, but briefly.  It’s possible that your child will need to figure this out on his own.   Remember that if someone is taking advantage of your child, that’s a bigger problem.  Encourage him to stand up for himself, don’t help to make excuses. Don’t disempower your child further by stepping in.  Your main question will be, “And what are you going to do about it?”

Obviously if a situation becomes dangerous, then you will need to scale up your intervention.  It isn’t advisable to contact school authorities unless you think your child’s safety is at stake…and then, of course, you need to contact the RA, the Dean of Student Life, etc.

 

Q: When do you as a parent step into a roommate problem or issue? 

A: Never, unless it is truly a safety or legal issue.  You can be a sounding board for your child, but don’t tell her what to do and how to do it.  Help her to find her own answers by asking questions about the situation (not cross-examining, please).  Again, your main question is “And what are you going to do about it?”  When should the RA be informed?  When your child thinks it is time unless it is truly a safety or legal issue.

 

Q: How do you handle homesickness? 

A: Yours or your child’s? Homesickness is usually more about being overwhelmed by the difficulty and extent of the work, having fewer creature comforts, needing to negotiate with a roommate or two or three.  It can also be about the craziness  of the social life. Homesickness often manifests itself as a decision in the first few weeks of college as a need to transfer.  “This is just the wrong school. I don’t have any friends, etc.”  Patience is the key here.  If your child thinks that transferring is the best idea, then just let her go through the process of investigating schools all over again.  Don’t interfere and don’t help.  Homesickness is one of the more natural and normal emotions.   Like a cold, it usually needs to run its course.     How do you advise the student?  Don’t try to talk her out of it.  Don’t play into it.  Don’t burden her with how much you miss her..  Talk about what is working for her in her new life.  Remind her that she really can do the work, that she doesn’t need a boyfriend in the first 12 seconds at college, that she doesn’t need to lower her standards just to be some sort of instant-freshman-popular.

 

Q: How does a parent insist on getting grades from the school? 

A: You don’t and you can’t.  Why would you?  If you can’t trust your child to do his/her work, perhaps he/she isn’t ready for college.  Or how does one approach the student about it, if the school policy is not to issue grades to parents? Let your student know that for you to continue to provide financial support, you need to know that he is accomplishing the academic work for which he is attending the college.  You can make your continued support contingent on seeing grades.  You can choose an honor system.  You can choose to tell your student that the cost of any class where he earns less than a B is his cost; if he doesn’t want to work hard enough (and the reality is, in this day of grade inflation, that earning a B means showing up, doing some of the work, and taking the exams and turning in papers….those are, anyway, minimal expectations for a pricey education) to earn Bs, you don’t want to write checks.

 

Q: How do you handle it if your child is taking too many classes (or too few) and you are concerned about their workload or lack of it? 

A: Too few just isn’t acceptable.  You don’t pay full freight for a part-time education.  Too many?  That’s for your child to figure out with her adviser.

 

Q: If an RA or a housing staff person or even a professor has taken an interest in your child or has helped them out, is it appropriate for the parent to send a thank you or a gift? 

A: No, never.  That demeans your child and the relationship he or she has formed on his/her own.  It’s for your child to express gratitude.  You are a bystander and no more.

 

Q: What about special needs roommates?  My daughter might be in a 3 person room with one deaf student.  How can I advise her on this? 

A: It could be an enriching experience, but maybe too much of a challenge with all the other difficulties of freshman year.  It’s the other student who has the challenge.  Your daughter need only be understanding, empathic, friendly—like she would be with any roommate, only a little more.  I’m sure if the deaf student were not able to communicate, she wouldn’t be placed in a room with hearing students.  What should I do?  Be really glad she is having this wonderful opportunity to broaden her experience. 

 

Q: How do you deal with a roommate with emotional problems?

A: Again, you don’t.  Your child does.  If your child believes that her roommate is being unsafe or emotionally too volatile, then she should quickly seek out the advice of an RA or perhaps even a counselor or someone in the Dean of Student Life office. When is intervention appropriate? If your child believes her safety is compromised, then she needs to seek help from those in authority at the school.  If she feels she’s being brushed off or not taken seriously, then she must escalate her contacts.    What are signs that should not be ignored?  Your kids probably know this better than you.  Nevertheless:  Too much sleeping or not sleeping at all.  Being withdrawn, real lack of communication.  Weird eating habits or just not eating, food being stolen.  Scratching, cutting (blood anywhere that isn’t really really reasonably explainable), any talk of suicide or self harm, abuse of prescription drugs, any drug paraphernalia,  porn on the Internet or any idea at all that porn is being produced in the dorm room, signs of harm (as in abusive relationship).  In general, if your child seems to feel a need to justify that weird behavior is really okay after all, that’s when you would want to insist that he seek the counsel of the RA or someone in the counseling department or Student Life/Student Services departments.

 

Q: Kids seem to start thinking about college at a very young age, and the experience is elevated to such high importance in their lives.  How do you prepare them for disappointment in the college years? 

A: I don’t really think you can prepare them for disappointment more than they have been prepared by the slings and arrows of life in high school.    It is not always such a wonderful experience for everyone! If kids remember that the primary reason they are at college is to get an education and the secondary reason is to grow up, they will inevitably notice that it isn’t necessarily a wonderfully fun experience, that it doesn’t need to be expected to be wonderful, but that it is a useful experience.

 

What should we be asking you?  Are there any issues that tend to come up that we haven’t been addressing?