ERASED
I know Freshman Mom has been on hiatus, what with the memorial and blogging about that last week. A few people wrote in yesterday wondering where it was.
Things bumble along in Freshman Land; insights you gain and try and carry with you from week to week sometimes work and sometimes don’t.
I found myself at one point at the edge of the park where the hole exists but managed to steer myself into another directon.
You learn to sort of just accept your crumbs where you get them.
I think compared to some families we have it pretty good, she calls- sometimes to just say hi, sometimes because she wants or needs something.
Calls she promises to return are often left unreturned, but I think that is pretty standard behavior.
I was having coffee with a friend this morning after the gym who is a senior mom who feels like she is being pretty much erased from the scene. “It’s so hard,” she said, “you love them so much and then one day – poof – they never have any time for you.”
I get it.
People who claim to have perspective or haven’t been through it yet say that’s the way it’s supposed to be, they have their lives now, they don’t include you for the most part, it’s called growing up. Get used to it. You’re over.
I get it. Though getting it, integrating it and waking up each day and dealing with it doesn’t make it any the easier.
They love you when you do things for them that is for sure. They love you when it fits into their plans. I think they just love differently than they have for the last eighteen years.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like the old way better.
But I get it.
My husband went up to Boston on Monday and took six kids out to dinner. That was fine. She was pleased to see him and wrote him a lovely email thanking him.
I guess it’s the inconsistency of it all. My therapist said get used to it.
I get it.
This morning I left a very innocuous four word posting on her FACEBOOK wall.
It was a private joke between us that goes back to another time; a time when I was a part of her daily life. It would always make us laugh, it was a routine we did.
It’s not childish, revealing or embarrassing. If you just read it, it sounds sort of sophisticated, it’s not tickle me Elmo or anything.
I was thinking about it when I woke up after something Lucy had said to me so I wrote it on her wall.
It was my way of saying Hi – thinking of you, missing you. And I guess reminding her of who we once were compared to who we are now. And did that part of our relationship still exist somewhere in time?
I just went online to find out she erased it as soon as she saw it.
That hurt.
I get it.
Life moves on.
Lesson for the day – no more writing on her FACEBOOK wall.
Keep my memories to myself.
Posted in Freshman Mom
